Saturday, June 18, 2011

Battle of Los Angeles is a battle with your brain cells.

So Pat and I watched Battle of Los Angeles last night. And apparently spell check doesn't recognize Los Angeles. Weird. Read the movie title carefully because we didn't and thought it was Battle: Los Angeles. Which it wasn't. This was just a SyFy (that doesn't spell SciFi, BTW. It spells Cee-Fee.) knock-off. I'm hoping that the real Battle: Los Angeles is much better than this steaming pile of crap that somebody puked on because people actually payed to see that one.

If you've never seen this movie, then I must warn you that this post will contain spoilers. But that's okay because you do not want to see this movie. Ever. Just trust me on this one. I went through the pain so you don't have to.

So the movie starts out right away with this big alien spaceship and these fake-looking airplanes trying to shoot missiles at it. We should have known the movie was going to be bad right then. And not just entertainingly bad, like most SciFi movies, but just bad. Like too much Taco Bell bad. One, because there was no back story, no explanation whatsoever about how the aliens got there or when or what the hell they were doing over this city that you have to assume is Los Angeles because it's in the title of the movie, even though it looks nothing like LA. And second, because they were trying to blow up a huge spaceship with missiles. Everyone knows you can't blow up aliens with missiles. I mean, come on, haven't they seen Independence Day? Can you guess what happens to the missiles? That's right, the aliens reprogram them to attack the pilots instead. Duh! I tried to warn you, silly pilots!

It''s like that big fat bully on the playground. And this little scrawny kid is trying to beat him up because the bully stole his glasses, but the bully just holds the glasses up high with one hand and holds the scrawny kid back by his forehead with the other and laughs and says, "how cute, he's trying to beat me." And this goes on for a while until the scrawny kid gets tired and sits down and cries. Except in the movie, the scrawny kids gets blown up.

So a couple of planes explode and this one chick pilot tells them what's happening and to not send more planes because they're just going to get blown up like the little scrawny kid. But they're all like, "oh, well, we're sending more planes anyway because you're obviously not right there seeing this shit happen and because we really don't care. We like big fake explosions." So she tries to destroy the missiles coming towards the aliens and then ejects herself from her plane, but forget about her because you'll never see her again.

Then they cut to this scene where pilots are getting into their planes to attack the aliens, even though we know that it's useless and that they'll probably die. Kel is there. Yes, Kel. From Kenan and Ken. "Welcome to Goodburger, home of the Goodburger, can I take your order?" Now, that's a good movie.

Anyway, these pilots are about to take off, but the first guy is too scared to move. He's the only smart one in the movie and, sadly, he gets blown up in some big fake explosion because the aliens come down with their smaller spaceships and and shoot at them and they try to shoot back which is stupid because it's obviously not working. But it's okay because apparently they have an unlimited supply of ammo.

Blah, blah, blah, shooting, shooting, shooting. And then this guy comes out of nowhere in some old ass plane that I'm sure Pat could identify, but I never asked because I really didn't care. So this guy goes up to the random army dudes (we have no idea what their names are) and basically says, "Hi, I'm a pilot from 1942 and I was sent on a mission to see what that thing is (Duh! It's a spaceship!) and I'm just getting back now. BTW, what year is it?" And they just accept that like time-traveling pilots are perfectly normal.

Really, guys?! Really?! I mean, the guy hasn't changed one bit in over 60 years and you're just going to accept that? Never mind the fact that they somehow know that this guy hasn't changed in over 60 years. They ask no questions about where he's been and why he hasn't aged. Stupid Army dudes.

And while we're on the subject of the 90 year-old pilot that looks like he's 20...have they really been fighting the aliens for that long? Like, for real? Wouldn't you just give up at some point during the 60 years because you're obviously not getting anywhere?

So they take the time-traveling pilot to some super secret underground base and he tells them that the aliens aren't going to stop killing people until they release the one they have captive. By this point, most everybody is dead except for these army dudes and we have no clue how they survived or where they've been hiding for 60 plus years. I mean, when did the entire population get killed off? Where were they? Were their parents Army peeps too and they were born in the super secret underground base and just grew up as Army peeps too? These are important questions, people!

Anyway, so the general dude is like, "I don't know what you're talking about," even though he knows the pilot dude knows what's up because, hello, he was an alien captive (I guess) for over 60 years and he hasn't aged one bit. So they take him to see the captive alien and he screams some kind of weird alien scream and it breaks the glass and he jumps in there with the alien and attacks it and this one ninja chick (I forgot to mention that there was a ninja chick that appeared out of nowhere and started slicing alien ships in half with her sword. So bullets don't work, but swords do.) jumps in there and slices the time-traveling pilot's head off and you can see all the wires coming out of his neck because apparently he was just a robot and this weird little alien orb thing comes out of his head and they start shooting at it because all of a sudden they have guns even though they had to turn them in when they came into the super secret underground base thingy.

There was more shooting and then they go upstairs and the little alien orb thing flies right through this guy's stomach and he dies. They finally go back to the alien dude and apparently the ninja chick speaks alien (I feel so ridiculous typing this, by the way. It's like this movie was written by a bunch of five year-olds who broke into their parent's liquor cabinet and then decided to make a big pile of shit by combining the shit from a horse, 10 great danes, 5 pit bulls, a goat, 3 pigeons and 5 cows to see what would happen. This movie happened.). So the alien tells her that it wants Kel to fly it's spacecraft. Why? I don't know, they didn't ask. They just accepted it. Like they totally forgot about the time-traveling pilot that was actually an alien robot and they might have figured that out a lot sooner if they thought to ask any questions.

This is about the point where I fell asleep. I could watch the ending over so I could tell you what happened, but I'm not that dedicated to you. Sorry. I asked Pat what happened and I wish he would've just lied to me and made up some story that would've been better than the actual ending, but he didn't. He said that Kel flew the traitor alien's (I don't know how he became a traitor since it seems like the aliens wanted him back) into the heart of the giant spaceship, kinda like Will Smith did in Independence Day, though I'm sure he didn't have any cool one-liners like Will Smith. And he exploded something and left and it ended because their budget ran out and they're just relying on the fact that you've already seen Independence Day, so you know what's going to happen.

So there you go. Who knew that a movie with aliens, hot ninja chicks and time-traveling robot pilots would be so bad. I think if they threw some zombies in there, it would've been a lot better. I mean, how could they have not thought to put an alien zombie or two in there?

But hey, now you don't have to watch that movie because you already know what's going to happen.You're welcome.

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