Monday, September 19, 2011

What I Did on My Summer Vacation (Featuring Justin Bieber!)

For some reason, around this time of the year, I always feel like I'm not doing something that I should be doing. And then I figured it out: I'm not writing my yearly What I Did on Summer Vacation essay!

I know ya'll had to do this as kids, too. Don't lie. And, if you're like me, yours were probably pretty lame and boring. And, of course, I was so obsessed with this essay that during the summer, I'd catalog the things I did and write them out in my head. Yeah. Now you know why I have a blog. Because I was a freak child that wrote stories about talking turkeys named JTT. True story. See, I love you so much that I embarrass myself for your entertainment.

So here it is, the essay we've all been waiting for: What I Did on My Summer Vacation.

My summer vacation is no longer like a vacation. Because I have a big people's job and no more school. So my whole life is kind of like a summer vacation! Except I have to work. Which kind of makes it one of those summer vacations where your parents make you get a job, even though you had planned to spend the entire summer at the lake with your friends. Because we all live near a lake where we hang out with our friends, right? And there's a rope swing there, too, of course.

So my summer began in Los Angeles, where we went to check out the tar pits. Actually, that was last summer, but let's just imagine that it was this summer for the sake of storytelling. Okay? Okay.

So there we were at the La Brea Tar Pits, looking down on all that hot, sticky tar. It was kinda like looking at a pit of hot, bubbling fudge, but more smelly. I decided to find out if it tasted anything like hot fudge, so I climbed over the fence of the biggest pit (you know, the one with the mammoth forever slipping into the tar). As I climbed over, my foot slipped and I fell into the pit, much like Alice fell down the rabbit hole, except this was a hot stinky mess  and I was sure to suffer the fate of that stupid mammoth.

What they don't tell you about the tar pits is that it's actually not tar. No. It looks like it, it smells like it, but it's really just a facade covering up one of the biggest conspiracies known to man.

How's that for a hook?

So I slipped under the tar and landed butt-first on a bouncy castle. I bounced high into the air, doing a backflip before landing on my feet in front of the castle. It was pretty sweet.

Looking around, I quickly discovered what was going on. Computer screens covered the walls, each with a man sitting in front of it, swiveling their chairs back in forth in unison. On each screen was Carson Daly, dotingly looking into the camera. I jumped as the guy to the left of me yelled out. "! Wink wink! Head bob!" A couple of the other guys typed away furiously on their keyboards. "Good job, boys!" This was Bieber Command Central.

"I knew Justin Bieber was a robot! His hair was just too perfect!" I shouted, causing everyone to turn around in their chairs. Blank stares surrounded me as I whipped out my camera to finally get the proof I was seeking.

Too late. The guy nearest to me jumped me, pinning my arms to my sides as we toppled to the ground.
"No one can know!" He shouted.

"Look! Justin Bieber is malfunctioning!" I looked at the screens in mock horror. All chairs turned back the computer as the guy released me and ran to his station. I ran to the nearest exit. I knew it was an exit because the sign above the door said "Exit."

"BIEBER BOT, GO! Get her!!!" The guy yelled as I opened the door. I needed to find a way out before Justin Bieber found me! I heard a loud roar and Carson Daly yell out, "What the--are you okay? Justin?! OMG, he IS a robot!" as the door shut loudly behind me.

After running for what seemed like forever (I knew I should have exercised more), I found a way out of the corridors. I climbed out, only to discover myself in the middle of Disneyland.

"Bieber minions, get her!" A voice shouted. Wait--was that I girl? I looked around to see Justin Bieber pointing at me as millions of prepubescent girls began screaming horrible, ear-piercing screeches as they charged me, fanning themselves with signed pictures of the Bieber Bot himself.

I started running toward the exit, but stopped short. This was Disneyland, ya'll! I wasn't just going to leave. No. I had to beat the Bieber. All I had to do was destroy his hair. That's where all his power lies.

Don't ask me how I know this. I just do. Because I'm magic. Or something.

So I charged through the Bieber maniacs, bouncing between them like a pinball, making my way toward their girly-sounding king as they furiously clawed at me.

I finally made it through. We stood face to face as his minions circled us like a bunch of sharks circling a guy trying to snowboard in the ocean. They knew I was going to drown soon.

"Call them off, Bieber!" I cried.

He laughed a most sinister, robot laugh. I'm sure you know what that sounds like, so I don't need to explain it. "Fine. I'll defeat you by myself! Beliebers, you are released!" All the girls screamed as they broke out of their trance. They looked at Justin Bieber. He winked at them and cocked his head. They all fainted.

"Your tyranny ends now, Bieber!" I yelled, wielding the electric razor that, of course, had been in my pocket all along. He charged at me, jaws opened wider than any human jaws could. I could see all the lights inside his mouth grow larger as he drew nearer. All the pretty lights. There were red, green, orange, blue, and some kind of purple-y yellow that was my favorite. All of a sudden, all I wanted to do was reach inside that mouth and touch those pretty blinky lights....prettttttyy.

I reached out. He was almost close enough to touch. Touch the lights. Be with the lights. Maybe living in Justin Bieber's robot stomach wouldn't be that long as I had those lights.

"Lisa!" I heard someone yell out. I snapped out of my trance, looking around. Luna was hovering about Bieber's head. And no, I did not find this odd at all. "Use the force!" I nodded and quickly jumped as Bieber charged me, grabbing a bite of my shoe. He looked around confused as I landed behind him.

He turned around, hearing the whirr of the electric razor as I turned it on.

"It ends now, Bieber Bot!" I took a leap into the air toward him, the razor in my outstretched hand. I shaved off the top of his hair. He reached up and touched his new bald spot, looking down at the hair on the ground frantically.

"NOOOO! My power!" He yelled as he fell to the ground, weakened. I took the opportunity to charge him, quickly shaving off the rest of his perfect locks.

"You won't be causing any more prepubescent girls to swoon," I said, shaving the last of his hair off.
I collected the hair and gave it to all the fangirls, but they didn't care anymore because they had already forgot who Justin Bieber was.