Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Do you know where your towel is? (Now with more Jambi!)

In honor of Douglas Adams and his most genius of genius books, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (if you haven't read it, you're just not that awesome), today is Towel Day!

And in honor of Towel Day and Douglas Adams and his most genius of genius books, here is a post about towels. But not just any post about towels. I've compiled a list of 10.9789 (which is exactly 26.140238095238093 percent of 42, in case you were wondering. And I know you were.) things you can do with your towel (besides the obvious reasons, and the reasons listed in the Guide and on the online version of the GuideH2G2 (sorry, is my nerd showing?)) which you should have with you always because you never know when you may need a towel and because you're not some lame strag that doesn't know the real worth of a towel. No, you're a frood who knows where his towel is.

1. Lunchbox/all-purpose carrier. Why carry a lunch box and a purse or briefcase, when a towel can do it all? It'll even protect your credit cards from fraud and identity theft!*
It'll hold your lunch, wallet and important-looking books!
*Using a towel will not protect your credit cards from identity theft or fraud. In fact, it guarantees the opposite if you use the wrong towel.

2. Vomit bag for when you've had one too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. And, really, one Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster is one too many.
Oh no, here it comes...

If anybody needs a good fake puker, Pat's your man!
3. High-tech rapture survival tool. Since the end of the world has been re-scheduled to October 21st, it's important to have a towel handy for all of your doomsday needs! Just put it over your head, cower under the nearest table and wait to be raptured. Guaranteed to get you into heaven in the case of an apocalypse!*

*Using a towel will not guarantee your admission into heaven in the case of an apocalypse. In fact, it guarantees the opposite if you use the wrong towel.

Alternatively, if you're afraid that October 21st might be The Day of the Raptors, you can use your trusty towel to fend off raptor attacks.
Take that, you evil raptor!
4. Stand-in for work. Now you can take longer lunch breaks without anyone even noticing you're gone!
Working hard, and so soft! I smell a promotion coming!
5. Parachute. For when you find yourself jumping from space ships without a parachute. Or for when you're jumping from the arm of your couch.

Not recommended for actually parachuting.

6. Dog bib. You'd think they'd learn some manners. I swear, she acts like an animal sometimes.
Can I eat yet?
6.5589. Crazed dude-who-really-loves,-and-I-mean-looooooves,-bacon-maybe-a-bit-too-much drooling man bib. I know you're sick of those drool stains all over your fine velvet couch whenever you cook bacon. Just wrap a towel around your man and you won't have to worry about turning the cushions over when you have company!
You drool, I drool, we all drool for bacon!
7. Driving companion. Because sometimes you'll talk to anything when you're driving.
You da towel!
..."And you said what?! HAHAHAHA, you're crazy!"
Not recommended for use in the carpool lane.

8. Babysitter. It'll even read bedtime stories! Additional story-time charges may apply.
Tonight's selection: Look Out for Pirates!
9. Interpretive dance prop. For those artsy-fartsy types.

9.42. Dance partner. For the not-so-artsy-fartsy types. When you want to go dancing but you don't have anyone to dance with and you're afraid of going alone because what if nobody wants to dance with you and then nobody will ever want to dance with you because you're not a hot commodity like that one girl Heather, but she's a bitch anyway, grab your trusty friend towel!
Let's just leave these two lovebirds alone...
10. Video game companion. You know when you play video games and you're playing so intensely...

that your hands get all sweaty and muck up the controller?

Towel to the rescue! And when you're exhausted from your afternoon of hardcore gaming,

Ta-da! Instant nap-time companion!

Thanks to Pat and Luna for showing us all how to properly use a towel. And now, for your pleasure, a picture of our friend Jambi!
"Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney-ho!"

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