Monday, July 26, 2010

How to be a good customer

My life is depressing. I have a college degree and work a part-time retail job for $.50 over minimum wage (do they not put the cent symbol on keyboards anymore or am I retarded because I can't find it?). But instead of a woe-is-me rant in which I explain all the ways that my life sucks more than yours, I'm going to do something else...rant about why people suck more than I do.

See, in order to help your local retail salesperson from going insane and turning into a raging, hairy, one-eyed fire-breathing monster that's foaming from the mouth, there's a few things you must do. Otherwise, said retail person may go crazy, get sent to jail, and then come after you as soon as he/she gets out and do something childish and annoying, like take all your clothes out of your closet and throw them around the room, or stand at the foot of your bed on a cell phone while staring at you.

I hope I got your attention. This is an important issue...I just want to make sure you don't take it too lightly because there are serious implications if you do.

Now that I've created as much drama as possible, let's get to the point. Here are some things you should absolutely NOT do to any cashier or retail salesperson.

1. Create a mess. The best part of the day for anyone working in retail is when you're almost finished with a task. Folding clothes that just arrived on a shipment isn't the most fun you'll ever have in the world, but it's bearable. But if you go to put those clothes away on the shelf only to find that Hurricane Inconsiderate has created a Class 5 disaster area, then congratulations! Your day just got a whole lot worse. Now, I know that nobody can fold as great as a retail pro, but the next time you go to pull out that t-shirt at the bottom of the pile, do it gently. It's not like the tablecloth magic trick where if you do it fast enough and at the right angle, nothing falls. No, things are guaranteed to fall and cause havoc. And if you decide you don't want that t-shirt anymore, take two pieces of advice from me: 1, try to make up your mind before destroying a perfect display and 2, fold it up as best you can quickly and lay it on top of the other shirts. Don't even THINK about shoving it back underneath the pile of shirts. We will come after you.

2. Shove money in our faces. Look, I know you're in a hurry. So am I. I'm in a hurry to get out of the Chinese torture method they call retail and go home. But shoving money in my face while I'm still scanning your stupid gummy worms won't make things go any faster. All you're succeeding at here is making the person behind the counter angry at you for being so impatient. Most of the time, we move slower when that happens.

3. Talk on your cell phone. I can tell you're oh-so-important by the way you talked away on your cell phone the entire time you were in the store. I get it. I'm impressed--really, I am. But when you come up to the counter, could you please, maybe if you have the time, get off your cell phone? I don't want you to miss an important conversation about your friend having an affair with some married guy, but I would like to be acknowledged as a person. It kinda helps my self-esteem, which can't be too high since, you know, I do work in retail. For only $.50 more than minimum wage, remember? Human interaction is something that helps keep me from going crazy, and if I'm deprived of it and instead get stuck listening to your conversation about where you should buy a new bra, I feel like breaking that goddamn cell phone and shoving it up your ass so it can be closer to your brain, you dumb bitch! You, and your conversation, are NOT more important than me so show some damn respect! I fu---

Sorry. See, I tried being nice, but cell phone talkers make me so angry. Think of it this way: If I came to your house and talked on my cell phone the entire time, you'd get pretty pissed, right? Well, so do I. So stop doing it!

4. Just not talking. There's nothing more awkward than a person that buys a shitload of crap and doesn't say a single word to you as you're ringing him up. So if you'd rather avoid the conversation, don't buy a whole lot at a time, or just suck it up and talk about the weather or something. Again, it's that whole human interaction thing. If you spent all day dusting condom boxes and folding booty shorts then you start to long for another human being to talk to. If that doesn't happen, you just start talking to yourself. I won't go into specifics, but that can end badly. For you and the store. I'm just sayin'...

5. Flirting. Unless you're the absolute hottest person in the entire world (and, sorry to say, chances are you're not), there is a huge chance that the girl scanning your socks doesn't want your number. It's not that she doesn't like you. But there is a giant line behind you and she has a lot of work to do. And let's face it, meeting the love of your life while checking them out for $50 worth of drinks and snacks isn't the greatest love story of all time. In fact, it might be the lamest. Plus, if she already has a boyfriend, then she might just get annoyed or maybe even laugh at you if you start reciting Chaucer's Canterbury Tales to her (true story). And you don't want to be laughed at, do you?

6. Asking dumb questions. Try looking for something for at least 30 seconds before you ask somebody. Because if you just ask for headphones as soon as you get into the store and they're right next to the counter, you risk looking like an idiot and getting bashed on the head for asking the same question that the 20 people in the store before you asked.

So there you have it. Six simple tips to keeping your friendly neighborhood retail salesperson friendly and out of jail. Please follow them, or bear the consequences...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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